I’m fourteen, on a trail ride alone with a boy I work at the stable with, who is also fourteen. I don’t wear a two-piece again until I’m 21 years old. ‘Kids, don’t run around the pool!’ is all an adult yells at us from the deck close by. When we arrived, a few boys my age chase me, yelling ‘Get her! Strip her naked!’ As I run from them, I feel embarrassed and dirty, ‘immodest’ and afraid. After all, it was just Grandpa’s pool, with my cousins and some of their friends. But it had sparkly ruffles, and I begged. A thin strip of my stomach is all the ‘extra’ that is showing, but my parents had barely consented to let me wear it because two-pieces were ‘immodest.’ Even at seven, I knew that meant it tempted boys and made them behave badly. I am seven years old, wearing my first two-piece swimsuit at the pool. And that maybe with enough voices, over time we can create a change. That, by adding my small voice to the many who have already spoken, I can help push forward the awareness of these issues and the impact they have on so, so many women, femmes, and girls. Will people believe me? Will they blame me? Will they see me differently? Will they think I’m overreacting? Will they judge me for ‘airing dirty laundry?’ I do share this with hope, though. Our words (and our silence) should be our choice and ours alone. ‘Nice people’ blame survivors, or tell us that what we experienced wasn’t harassment or assault at all. ‘Nice guys’ assault, often causing trauma and changing lives forever. ‘Nice guys’ harass women and femmes, make us feel unsafe, dirty, used. They are deeply rooted in how men are socialized. To not make accusations against these ‘nice men.’ But the reality is, these problems are systemic.
But this culture that tolerates sexual harassment and sexual assault, that victim-blames and hesitates to believe the testimonies and experiences of women and GNC (gender non-conforming) people, that criticizes those who share their stories more than the men who made those stories truth-that culture tells us we should be ashamed and that we should hide, and that’s not okay. I’m sharing because shame keeps so many survivors quiet when we have nothing to hide.
They can’t comprehend that these problems are so widespread. I’m sharing because I hear people saying that they don’t believe the high numbers of ‘me too’ experiences. They can’t believe that the men they know-their friends and neighbors-are harassers and assaulters. I am sharing because I keep encountering people who are surprised that these things happen to women and AFAB -assigned female at birth- people that they know. Engaging in some kind of attention or pity campaign would be pointless (and shame on anyone who thinks that that is why any woman is participating in the ‘me too’ wave). Many more and much worse things have happened to so many other women and femmes. “These are the highlights, not every instance of sexual entitlement by others, that I have ever experienced. I don’t tell my stories for attention or pity.